December 2009
22 posts
i’m tired of not being old.
Dec 29th
Dec 27th
Dec 26th
459 notes
“We HAVE to get treats before the movie starts. Last time we forgot and Jimmy...”
– Yes, Dear
Dec 22nd
Dec 22nd
“Your face looks like a parrot exploded!”
– Steve, Full House
Dec 22nd
Deborah: “Your son was just about to tell his daughter the truth about Santa Claus.” Marie: “You what??” Ray: “Don’t worry, I didn’t tell her…” Marie: “My own son - an atheist?” LOLOLOL Everybody Loves Raymond rocks.
Dec 21st
Dec 20th
21 notes
“Why did I buy Raisin Bran? Because it tastes fuckin’ good!”
– Danny
Dec 15th
Dec 14th
“Oh, my dear little librarian. You pile up enough tomorrows and you’ll find...”
–  The Music Man
Dec 14th
Listenbecktionary: Beck - Gettin’ Home This is so...
Dec 12th
13 notes
Dec 12th
36 notes
“True friends like you for who you are and how much money you have.”
– Kimmy Gibbler, Full House
Dec 12th
“I wonder if fighting is allowed in hockey…”
– Uncle Jesse
Dec 8th
“What’s that movie… Nick and Norah Make a Porno?”
– Will
Dec 8th
Dec 7th
13 notes
Third Hour
Teaching Sunday school made me hate children and I probably always will. An eight year old boy told me women were only good for cooking dinner and making babies. Another told me he was the devil, and I didn’t contradict him. Eventually I stopped showing up and started wearing tank tops. A woman knocked on my door and invited me to bore myself to death. Another asked me to marry her son and I...
Dec 6th
Dec 5th
16 notes
Talents.
I am a talented person. Really, I am. I’m a little bundle of talent; useless, useless talent. That’s two uselesses. The following are things I excel at: 1. Bottling my emotions 2. Creating problems that don’t need to exist 3. Lying 4. Telling people what they want to hear 5. Being agreeable 6. Shopping online 7. Playing mind games 8. Arguing 9. Fooling myself 10....
Dec 3rd
Question: When one owns a scented candle shoppe, what does the store smell like? This is a real problem. In the industry, the problem is referred to as STINK (ScenT IngestioN overKill). The problem is, if you have too many scents going at once, they cancel one another out; the nose can only process so much information before it stops being able to distinguish anything. The solution is to choose...
Dec 2nd
“Okay. We’ll do prison, landfill, and then McDonald’s.”
– Vinnie giving me a tour of Pontiac, Illinois
Dec 2nd